Log in

the death of my brother - The Most Fascinating, Yet Treacherous Journey Can Be Made... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The Psycho-Explorers

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

the death of my brother [Mar. 8th, 2005|03:14 pm]
The Psycho-Explorers
[i'm feeling... |scaredscared]
[play this in the jukebox: |assemblage]

i had a terrible nightmare last night...in fact, i had a few fucked up dreams. one was just so awful, i actually was sobbing when i half-woke up afterwards.

my brother (kevin) and i had just gone to the grocery store and were pulling into the "mccormick parking lot" (in other words, the lot that WOULD be for my dorm if we had a parking lot outside there). it wasn't set up like mccormick, but like an apartment. i asked kevin to help me carry in my groceries, but he refused and got out of the car. he was about to walk to his apartment and since he wouldn't help, i just drove forward a little, frustrated. for some reason, i had to park the car in a different spot. but when i was taking my groceries out, my brother came running back and i thought that he wanted something from the car. since he didn't help me, i decided to play a little joke and hopped in the front seat and drove forward a little. i opened my window and laughed, but he just frantically asked what time it was. i told him (it was on the hour of something) and drove around a row of cars in the parking lot. while i was doing that, he was running after the car saying that we HAD to go! so i sped back around the row (i had made a complete circle around two rows of parked cars) and yelled at him to get in. but while i was yelling at him to get in, a car came screeching in the entrance (very similar to the 21 dairy queen parking lot entrance), drove in between my car and kevin...and pumped 4 bullets into the back of his head. my reaction was very similar to elizabeth's in pirates of the caribbean when that guy opens the front door and immediately gets shot. i start yelling and screaming madly at the car as it speeds off. i'm crying, going into hysterics. i run to kevin and start shaking him, calling the police on my cell phone. i'm screaming at him to get up, to be ok and he isn't moving.

at this point, i half-woke up and was crying. not just crying though, i was moaning and hurting and sobbing. my pillow was getting hardcore wet and i was clutching my body pillow. i might have even screamed during my dream and continued the loud cries...but that, i don't remember. it was just awful.

the next dream was a sort of follow-up, but it took place during fantasy medieval times. i had joined a society devoted to saving people's lives because of my brother's death. i would fight (with swords...like, short pirate swords) and the reason i was so eager to join wasn't as much for the sake of saving people as it was to die. without my brother, i was willing to do something and just die. a lot of people wanted to join and we had a party, but only the members could get in without waiting in line. everyone else had to wait in a line, similar to a roller coaster and the members had something similar to fast passes. their swords were like the fast pass. i was wearing a tunic and my sword was partially blue.

all i remember is that during a fight, i had a baby on the battle field and while i was trying to get it to safety, but someone rode by on a horse and killed it. i was sad, but not nearly as affected as when my brother died. when i returned home with my baby's dead body, i went to bryan's to show him what happened. bryan then left me for letting our baby die (yeah...uh, had a bryan with baby. ? i dunno). the end of the dream was like the poignant end of a movie, with me standing alone in the field, with slaughtered bodies all around me. i fell to my knees and just stared at the grass. ridiculous.

the most amazing thing is my reaction to my brother's death...in real life. i literally thought it happened, even when i was awake and in my bed. i had thought that i had been sleeping, depressed there or something after it had happened. it totally didn't make sense, but that has been probably my strongest sad reaction to a nightmare ever (unless i had a stronger reaction as a kid to something).
came from.