|love sees what the beloved is meant to be
||[Mar. 1st, 2005|05:41 pm]
|[||play this in the jukebox:
|||||head automatica - beating heart baby||]|
i admitadely have problems worrying that whoever i'm with will cheat on me. right now i'm with bryan, and i feel this will be for our ever. i was pretty sure that i had almost entirely eliminated those worries of infidelity, but they keep popping up again in nightmares (each one occuring while he came from 8 hours away to visit me!):
they're all pretty basic.
at my school, you have to sign people in overnight, only if they're the same sex. consequently, i have to find a guy who will sign in bryan when he visits and then have bryan stay in my room for the night. and the other person has to stay in the dorm as well. luckily awhile ago, we found bill who's cool as fuck and is always willing to sign him in. one night that he did it though, he wanted to go out and smoke after my opposite sex visiting hours (till 2:00 am), so bryan had to go with him and i stayed in my room. bryan was only expected to be gone for 30 min. at most and since he didn't come back for a long time (prob an hour and a half), my mind decided to get creative as i dozed off.
the first one was plain and simple: what was taking bryan so long to return is that he was cheating on me with some chick that bill introduced him to. i didn't really believe this, but my dream made it very vivid and very believable. that's really all there was to it. the second one was one that i felt with every one of my senses. i heard bryan unlocking the door, but stayed in my sleeping position, almost to see if he would cuddle up to me. but instead, i heard voices...a girl's voice. bryan called her katherine and he was saying, "don't worry. this is her room, but she's sleeping, so we'll just do it here and then quickly leave." i felt the weight of two bodies on my bed as they started to have quiet sex. i felt the tears rolling down my cheeks as a silently cried. then bryan quickly got dressed and had her leave. he then cuddled next to me, almost as if it was me he just had sex with. of course both of these were nightmares, nightmares because i pretty much felt like killing myself after i woke up. feelings of betrayal and lost love are probably the worst physical emotions i've ever felt.
the other was after the car accident this weekend...the night of the accident, i fell asleep (in his arms mind you) and dreamt that i asked him some question. i don't remember what, but his response was "cuz i wanna fuck her." and i was so shocked and in disbelief that i kept asking him over and over the question...each time he responded with an answer rewording the first response. the girl's name was allison that he was talking about and this time, i was just angry. not as much sad as angry.
the only reason i'm writing these is because i'm wondering if maybe stress could be causing them. i don't feel jealous or worried that bryan will cheat on me. i know he loves me and i can rationally conclude that he isn't doing anything that would hurt me...but each nightmare followed after a stressful event (sneaking him in my dorm and getting in a pretty bad accident). what i don't understand is that if i am in fact over these feelings of jealousy and worry (which trust me...have been legitimized in my past), why would they resurface in my dreams? they seem to be the only ones i remember, at least recently. and, it's interesting that i mainly have them when we're sleeping together and that they're all physical infidelity...rather than emotional. when emotional would probably really be worse, in my opinion. perhaps that's just because people in the past have mainly only betrayed me in a relationship sense, physically. any thoughts?