|first time i've ever felt prolonged pain from a fucking dream.
||[Feb. 12th, 2005|07:50 pm]
this sounds crazy, but i honestly think that i know what it feels like to die from a wound now. because i dreamt that i died. and it was extremely vivid. here's what happened (but i'm probably just crazy).|
for some reason i was really pissed about the assassination of jfk. yeah, i know where every part of this dream came from, so don't worry. anyway, i had a plot to kill my boyfriend (in the dream, i wasn't me and bryan wasn't...not me's boyfriend if that makes any sense), my best friend and her boyfriend. now, keep in mind, in real life i don't know who any of these people are. what happened was, i invited them to dinner, a really nice one so they could meet my uncle. my uncle wasn't involved in my plot though. i randomly had this like gun that seamen use to spear fish or something. i dunno, it was in some movie last night with ben stiller. anyway, it was like a gun that shot a spear into something and the spear was attached to a rope which was attached to the gun. i had this set up so that everytime someone did something (and i'm not even quite sure what), it would spear them. but it wasn't working and it was only hitting them in the arm. obviously, i wanted to be killing them. but i had a back-up plan (which in the dream seemed more like my real plan). i would leave the apartment, go next door to mine to pretend i had to use the bathroom because, of course i can't use my uncle's or anything. and while i was gone, they would die from poison or something, or the gun would work. it was confusing whether or not the gun was supposed to hit them in the arm at first. maybe it didn't matter, because they would just pull it out and keep casually talking. so i left and my uncle stayed (but he was like a butler for some reason). and i consulted with my mom about something and then came back in my uncle's apartment.
my friend's and everything figured out what i was doing and of course my best friend and of course she was crying because she was a chick and girl's are always crying about shit. so they told me my plan and what i was doing, but they were all like "WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!" and i was like..."because of JFK!" and then i started going over my thoughts as killer's often do, in an evil way, like it was still gonna work and like oh, i'm so clever. look what i was gonna do! so i said something about wanting to find a boyfriend who was perfect in every superficial way. he would get the best grades, be the "best" looking (which the real me obviously doesn't agree with who is the BEST looking, because jfk sure wasn't), the best at everything...the most american basically. and i made him my boyfriend only so i could sacrifice him and kill him like jfk was. i was trying to get revenge for the assassination of jfk. and i think i was going to kill my best friend and her boyfriend because they were like, there when it happened, so obviously they were responsible. i don't know. i'm crazy. so i told them my evil plot and my boyfriend pushed me down and said that it was for society's good that i had to die.
then, my best friend's boyfriend took that spear gun and held it against my back. i remember my thoughts racing through my head. i remember thinking about how i should have included my uncle in my plan. i remember thinking that i never should have left to gone to the bathroom, but just should have poisoned them myself or something. i saw all these flaws in my plan, but i also remember thinking about who i really was. and if this were a movie, the audience would sympathize with me. because suddenly i became myself again. i was like changed into my original body. i remembered that i was colleen...but that really wasn't who i was when i was a killer. i just like, changed right there. and the new situation was that they were either going to kill me or bryan. and i somehow just knew this. and the guy killing me wasn't the same, he changed too. so i looked at bryan and started to let one or two tears fall and then asked the guy killing me to please make it as painless as possible. and to please put the spear by my heart so i would die fast. and then he pulled the trigger and i felt the pain exactly there for a few seconds (a prolonged enough time to feel the pain and recognize it had happened) and then i like, jerked out of pain (like when you jerk to wake up from a nightmare), but i was still asleep. and i felt like "myself" was lifting above my body. not, like most people where they look at their body and see the situation it was in, but just that myself came out of my body,i guess you could say my soul, and i no longer felt the pain. and it wasn't that bad to die.